I’ve been thinking a lot about resolutions. Am I going to make one this year?
I don’t know. I guess if I had to, it would be to TRY.
The new year is staring down at me and I know that on the other side, my life is going to be turned upside down for a while. A new baby is coming in just over a month, and it’s got me a little freaked out.
When I was pregnant with Harper, I had ZERO clue about the impending tidal wave of anxiety and emotions that motherhood would bring. I didn’t know a thing about babies, but even more, I didn’t know a thing about being a mom. I didn’t know that I would get swept away, feeling like I was going to drown, and even just maybe welcoming that idea and a sweet escape.
Sure, the baby thing came to me. She fit in my arms like they were made to hold her. I soothed her cries and knew what they meant. My body provided her nutrition and sustenance for 13 months. I looked at her and saw my heart.
But the weight of motherhood, that inescapable heaviness and worry I felt from my head to my toes that raced through my mind and settled in my heart. Well, that I just couldn’t understand. (You can read more about my journey through Postpartum Anxiety here.)
2016 was a renewal for me. We began the year with an early miscarriage, followed by a rapid onset of those postpartum feelings yet again. So, I sought help. I began a low dose of Zoloft. I shared my story. I reached out to other moms who knew my experience because it was their own. I surrounded myself with moms who are real in their joy and their struggles. I poured my heart out on these pages.
Finally, I found my place in motherhood.
2017 is more than a crisp blank page in my shiny new planner. It’s more than losing the baby weight and cutting the sweets. It’s more than blog goals and numbers and income and projects.
It’s about settling in. Knowing the weight eventually shifts. Having faith that my story has already been written.
And it’s about trying. Trying to love myself more, to give myself grace, to remember.
(Ok, fine. It’s about losing the baby weight, too.)