Does Sobriety affect relationships?
A lot of fears crop up when you commit to a life of sobriety. One of the most common fears is how sobriety will change your relationship. Today, my husband Russell joins me on the pod to speak about just that!
He was so supportive of me when I declared that I was going to stop drinking, but he also didn’t expect that I was going to make a lifelong commitment to sobriety. Through navigating this together we learned that sobriety is not a bad thing for your relationship. You will still laugh. You will still have fun. You will still have sex! In fact, it might make everything better.
How have you navigated sobriety with your partner? Let me know at @thesobermomlife on Instagram!
This Naked Mind – (affiliated link) https://amzn.to/3PaCM7V
If you’re wanting to find community and connection in sobriety, come and join the Sober Mom Life Cafe! For $15/month, join other sober moms inside the cafe for weekly meetings, bonus episodes, a Discord chat, a monthly book club and so much more! Learn all about it here: https://mykindofsweet.com/sober-mom-life-cafe/
How Sobriety Affects Your Relationship (featuring my husband!)
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Hi, welcome to the sober mom life podcast. I’m your host, Suzanne of my kind of sweet and the sober mom life on Instagram. If you are a mama who has questioned your relationship with alcohol at times, if you’re wondering if maybe it’s making motherhood harder, this is for you. I will be having candid, honest, funny conversations with other moms who have also thought, Hmm, maybe motherhood is better without alcohol. Is it possible? We’ll chat. And we’ll talk about all things sobriety and how we’ve found freedom in sobriety. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. You don’t have to either, and maybe life is brighter without alcohol. I hope you will join us on this journey. And I’m so excited to get started.
All right guys, today’s the day we have my husband, Don Russell is here. You guys, he’s a very private person. He’s not big on social media. He just kind of stays away from all of that stuff, which is funny because his wife does not, you know, I mean, he’s just, he’s my guy. And I, I loved talking with him. I’m so proud of how open and honest he was in this whole conversation. I know that it’s kind of uncomfortable. You know, I’m used to talking about sobriety all the time and drinking. I’m just used to, I’m just very open about all of it. And he was too. And, and I’m just so proud of him. And I’m so honored that he is on here. And you know, I’ve said it before, this is the question that I get more than any other is about. If my husband still drinks and how my sobriety has affected our marriage.
And I think that that’s what a lot of women, when they’re thinking of getting sober, I think that might be one of the biggest blocks to their sobriety is not knowing how it’s gonna affect their marriage if especially if their husband still drinks.
So this is a really good conversation about that.
He does still drink a little bit and he talks about that. Gives some tips and just, yeah, I think you’ll really like it. My biggest tip. And I say this at the end, but I’m gonna say it again is that, uh, you just don’t know what’s gonna happen when you stop drinking, but I can tell you that it’s way better than anything that could happen. If you continue drinking way leads onto way, you don’t know how you’re gonna influence your spouse. You don’t know, you know how you can set an example by just being sober and showing them what a full fun sober life looks like. And that kind of happened organically in my marriage. And I’m so grateful for it. So I’ll just say that making the right decision for you can never be the wrong choice. Like I, I just don’t think it can. So I hope you enjoy this conversation with my husband.
Speaker 3 (03:47):
Well, hi there, babe.
Speaker 2 (03:49):
So you guys, I got my husband on the pod. It’s kind of funny, honey, but, uh, you overall are pretty private person. Like you’re not on social media much. You’re not, you don’t put your shit out there. Like I do <laugh> so to be married, to such a public person, who’s like, yeah, let’s talk about everything and now I’m kind of dragging you into it.
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Speaker 2 (04:15):
How does that feel?
Speaker 3 (04:16):
Well, thanks for having me. <laugh> no, I mean, of course I’m a little nervous, maybe slightly apprehensive, but ah, this’ll be fun. This will be fun. Yeah. I wanna contribute as I can to help, uh, help you with what you’re doing here, which is really cool. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Well, I love you so much. So just maybe we’ll share a little bit of our backstory. So this is Russell. My husband we’ve been married for 9 years.
Speaker 3 (04:45):
Speaker 2 (04:47):
Yeah. Almost 10 years. Isn’t that honey? That’s crazy. Did you think we were gonna make long
Speaker 3 (04:54):
Speaker 2 (04:55):
I don’t think of course you did. No, that’s good. Me too. Then
Speaker 3 (04:59):
Maybe not the first two years. Maybe <laugh>.
Speaker 2 (05:02):
Yeah. Right. It was a little rough for a while. You guys, if you’re newly married, just go to therapy and keep going. Cuz it gets so much better, right?
Speaker 3 (05:11):
Yeah. For sure. I mean you gotta work at it. Yeah. I remember being on a golf trip with, uh, some good friends of mine and we were in the hot tub after a long round of golf. And I was saying to him, cause he’s a little older than I am. And I said to him, I said, why didn’t you tell me that this is what marriage was like, I go, what do you guys got? Some secret society that you just like, tell us we gotta get into. And then we get there and it’s like, your life has changed. <laugh>
Speaker 2 (05:39):
You’re like, it sucks. <laugh> I feel like, of course. But when you think about it, like of course marriage is hard. It’s too. Especially for us, you waited to get married. You were in your forties. I was in my thirties. Like we were older. I, and it’s just too completely full life blending. Like of course it’s gonna be like, whoa, what the fuck is this? Like, how are we supposed to make this work? Right. But we did, honey. I’m really proud of us.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
Yeah. Thanks. Thanks to some good therapy and um, a lot of love, right? Yeah. A lot of love and a few kiddos.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Yeah, that’s right. Okay. So yeah. So we’ve been married. We’re we’re happily married and uh, I would say so since this, a podcast about sobriety, we always have to kind of start talking about drinking. So our drinking history is, I would say it’s pretty similar, like you and I were kind of both the party people, right. When we met mm-hmm <affirmative> I mean, according to your Facebook profile photos at the Playboy mansion, I would say <laugh> you were a party guy <laugh>
Speaker 3 (06:55):
Yeah. Well, I would say that I, you know, I drank a lot back then and I, yeah, I, uh, didn’t realize it until, you know, we’ve sort of taken the foot off the gas in the last seven or eight years on the drinking that, um, it was a big part of our lives and didn’t even realize it sort of just happens. You know? I don’t know if it’s totally
Speaker 2 (07:16):
Speaker 3 (07:16):
We grew up or how we grew up or you know, just the folks I spent time with, but we like to have a good time, you know? And alcohol was almost always part of that.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
Yeah. I feel like, especially cuz you grew up in Wisconsin for part of your childhood, like man. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:33):
Speaker 2 (07:34):
Yeah. High school even Illinois. I mean you think about like the bears then like that Saturday night live skit, you know like with Chris Farley and George went and like, like the Midwest is just all about drinking. I feel like as you’re growing up. Right.
Speaker 3 (07:47):
Yeah. And it’s fun
Speaker 2 (07:49):
<laugh> and, and it’s fun. Yes. When you’re growing up, like yeah. Like you, you liked that life though, which I can understand you were a bachelor, you worked hard, then you play hard, you go to Vegas, you do all that stuff. So you kind of, you got that all out of your system, which I loved.
Speaker 3 (08:04):
You loved that. I got it outta my system.
Speaker 2 (08:07):
Yeah. I mean, I, I think that’s it.
Speaker 3 (08:08):
I, I think I was at the tail end of the high life, I would say.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Yeah. Now you’re living the low life. <laugh>,
Speaker 3 (08:16):
It’s a different kinda highlight. Like
Speaker 2 (08:20):
I, but I, I think that that’s, that’s part of the good thing about waiting to get married, you know, like you and I both experienced life fully before we got married. Mm-hmm <affirmative> so then we don’t feel like we’re missing out on anything. At least I don’t do you no, you’re on the spot. Ready go.
Speaker 3 (08:38):
<laugh> mm, no we’re I mean, we still live super full lives. It’s just there isn’t, you know, time for the silliness that used to go on back in the day. So yeah. Uh, we’re doing a lot of really cool stuff with family and close friends and uh, you know, doing the things that we love that keep our minds right. And healthy.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
Yeah. Like Wordle <laugh> I, I really love Wordle.
Speaker 3 (09:01):
I don’t want to hear what you’re doing on the toilet, honey. That’s okay. <laugh> I’m sure you’re playing word games or doing something with your phone.
Speaker 2 (09:10):
I’m dropping a Wordle. I <laugh>, I love honey. I love Wordle. You know, I get into it.
Speaker 3 (09:18):
You do. I, I like helping sometimes.
Speaker 2 (09:20):
Yeah. You do you take over. Um, yeah. So we got that all out of our system, except for when we were dating. I, I would say when we were dating and engaged, I mean, our first date was at pops for champagne in Chicago. Right. And so our dating was very focused around alcohol. I
Speaker 3 (09:39):
Would say. I mean, I, I think that wasn’t the, maybe it was, yeah, it was for sure. I mean, we were going out to dinner and had a drink or two, and then we went for some champagne and then yeah. Yeah. And then you were mine. Yeah. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:54):
That’s right. I was like, Hey, you get, you get like four glasses of champagne in me. I’m like, oh, oh
Speaker 3 (10:01):
Yeah, no, that was, that was, uh, those are good memories though. That that was a fun time. It was. And yeah, I mean, going to the house of blues, seeing shows, um, a lot of fun, man, alcohol was always part of it. You know, just
Speaker 2 (10:15):
Seeing postal service in Vegas, honey, that was a highlight. I loved that. He surprised me. I loved the postal service, not the United States postal service. I am a fan of them too. I mean, they’re great. It’s amazing. But postal service, the band. It’s amazing what they can do.
Speaker 3 (10:31):
Yeah. For like a dollar, whatever it costs to send the letter these days across the country. Right?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah. Yeah. Totally.
Speaker 3 (10:39):
That was a good trip.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
Yeah. We had a lot of great times. I was, that
Speaker 3 (10:42):
Was, was your first trip to Vegas too. Wasn’t it ever.
Speaker 2 (10:45):
Yeah. Ever. And, and still, since I’ve not been back, I, I never got into the Vegas thing. I don’t know. I’m not a gambler. Like, I’m not like, you know, can you picture me with like a troll doll sitting at the slot machines?
Speaker 3 (10:59):
<laugh> no, I feel very fortunate. You don’t have a lot of vices. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:02):
Speaker 3 (11:02):
Don’t. That’s maybe buying throw pillows and <laugh> knacks and stuff like that. <laugh> that might be your coffee cups, throw pillows, coffee cups. Oh my God. Totally
Speaker 2 (11:15):
Speaker 3 (11:15):
Falling out of the cupboards for sure.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
We pretty much had to move to make, to make room for my mugs. <laugh> you guys in our new house. I mean, it’s not new anymore. We’ve been here three years, but my mugs take up, I mean like a, like three, four shelfs of this huge cabinet as it should be. I love a mug.
Speaker 3 (11:37):
You do? Yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:38):
<laugh> you do? I do. I do love a mug.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
I have one right here. Full of coffee. Thank you for making this by the way. I
Speaker 2 (11:44):
Love you. You’re welcome. I love you too. Yeah. So we had a lot of fun times. I will, I will say the looking back there was also some drama for sure. Right? Like we had fun times we had drama. Like I feel like things were just so heightened when we were dating. Cuz it was all new. It was exciting. And it was drinking and it was partying and it was drama and then we’d make and the sex and you know what I mean? It was just, it was a lot like, it was just a lot all at once. Thankfully though we like stuck with it. Got married, we got married. I think we got engaged like a year after we were dating. Then we got married just over a year after that. And then we, we still kind of continued the drinking. Um, not as much because we were also trying to get pregnant. Um, yeah. What do you remember of that time? As far as like what we were doing and drinking and stuff like that after we were married?
Speaker 3 (12:40):
Well, I think, you know, we, we enjoy a good bottle of wine I think. Uh, yeah, that usually led to a second. Um, I do know that you had a love for Perseco and that yeah. Would lead to sometimes a third, whether you needed it or not, you just sort of would grab it out of the, you know, out of the refrigerator and be like, let’s have another one. Yeah. You know, and I, that did concern me. I’m not gonna lie. Like if we go back that did concern me a little. Cause I always be like, eh, you you’re probably good right now. Not that I was judging you or anything, but just like, I knew that that next level wasn’t gonna always be as fun as the one we were at right now. And yeah. You know, and, and I probably had some of that too, you know, if I would stay with the vodka or the, you know, the martinis or whatever too long, I mean, I know I had a short temper and like at the end of the day, I just, yeah, it wasn’t as fun.
So I think, yeah, for me and my, you know, cuz this is about sobriety and about, you know, drinking and stuff. I, for me, I still, I, I haven’t stopped drinking. I, I respect and love what you’ve done and the community that you’re building and I’m, I’m proud of you. Yeah. I, any, anytime I get the chance I champion what you’re doing and I’m not far behind, like I’m right there. Yeah. But I do still enjoy, uh, a couple beers when I’m out with my friends playing golf or if we’re, you know, having a break after work with I, which I rarely take, but I’m just not quite ready to kick it, but we, you know, there’s really no drinking on the weekends and yeah, I’m all family and it’s made a huge difference in our lives that we have sort of set that to the side. We still do it. I mean, if I go out to a concert or something with friends, I’m definitely gonna have nine times outta 10, I’m probably gonna have a drink, but I keep it to the one or the two or the three. And that’s really about it. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, you know, time flies and by the time I we’re ready to go, it’s like, you know, sober. So I don’t know. I just, you just at a level of trying to do the right thing, I think.
Speaker 2 (14:43):
Totally. Okay. So yeah, we were both drinking and then as we got, as you know, we had kids and all of that kind of lessened anyway. Right. Mm-hmm <affirmative> it definitely like the going out or drinking. Yeah. We weren’t going out. We would have some glasses of wine with dinner maybe, but I wasn’t anymore. The like two bottles of per sec, let’s go. Like you just can’t. I, I couldn’t right still when, when we would go out, sometimes I’d be fine. I could have two glasses of wine. Sometimes I would have more. And that was on that last. So on, in January of 2020, we went to a party. You remember it? Well, I remember it well until I don’t. And then so I wanna know, and we’ll get into you like how you feel about drinking, you know, for yourself and how you feel about that. But I do wanna know how you felt and kind of what you thought when I told you on January 19th, 2020, that I was done when I was nursing that BR you remember that brutal hangover.
Speaker 3 (15:46):
I do. I remember leaving that party with you and you clutching onto my arm and, uh, and walking out and just thinking what happened to my wife. <laugh> I mean, you were one minute. You were good. And the next minute, yeah, you were, uh, snookered. <laugh>
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Snookered. Aw. That’s not. Well, that just sounds cute. Yeah.
Speaker 3 (16:08):
Oh my God.
Speaker 2 (16:09):
That’s where it all goes black for me too. And I feel like when, if, if you are somebody who blacks out, because it is like a biological thing that either you do black out or you don’t black out, but if you are someone who blacks out, that’s generally what happens is like, you’re fine. And then like from one moment to the next you’re like, it’s gone. Like there’s no memory. There’s nothing. So yeah. What did you,
Speaker 3 (16:30):
Yeah, so it’s like you wake up and you’re hungover and you’re asking questions about like, what happened last night and stuff?
Speaker 2 (16:36):
Oh my God. The worst.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
You’re trying to put all the pieces back together. So the
Speaker 2 (16:40):
Speaker 3 (16:41):
I felt bad for you. I was, you know, taking over with the kids and I mean, I believe me, I wasn’t feeling one honey either, but yeah, stepping up and doing the thing. And I, I remember like you were laying on the couch snapping kind of, you know, not feeling good. And then you were like, you know what? I, I, I don’t like this. I don’t want this. I’m not this I’m not drinking again. That’s it for me. And I was like, okay, <laugh>
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yes, you didn’t believe me, right?
Speaker 3 (17:10):
No, I don’t think so. No, you know, of course
Speaker 2 (17:13):
Not. Well, well, it’s not like you weren’t supportive or anything like that, but I had probably like, everyone says that when they have a bad hangover, don’t they they’re like, oh my God, I never wanna feel like this I’m done. And then it’s that dissolves with the next, you know, when you forget about how brutal it was, and then you go back, there was something inside and I’ve talked about this before that I was like, oh no, I’m done. Like, this is ridiculous how this is could keep happening. Yeah. And then I do remember you being like, yeah. Okay. <laugh> not that you weren’t supportive, but it was just like a, what? I don’t even know what to say to that.
Speaker 3 (17:51):
No, but that’s and the timing was interesting. Right. So we went on our first vacation right after that. Um, yeah. You know, just as the pandemic was breaking, we were down in Florida and you were not drinking. And I,
Speaker 2 (18:04):
We had, and that was a big thing. Like, I, I, I didn’t know, going into that if I was going to or not, I, I knew that I didn’t want to. Right. I was like, I don’t want to drink. I don’t know what it’s gonna feel like. So then, and you know, my favorite thing is a run on, on the beach. So I was like, I’m just gonna keep thinking about the run on the beach in the morning. Like, just let me get to each morning. That’s what you
Speaker 3 (18:26):
Speaker 2 (18:26):
Yeah. So how did that feel? Because you and mom would have some beers just normally like one beer at night watching a movie
Speaker 3 (18:35):
Or three <laugh>.
Speaker 2 (18:37):
I don’t think, I don’t think you even did really
Speaker 3 (18:40):
Well. We were trying to respect what you were doing, but it was so early on that, you know, no one really, I mean, we all heard you, but you know, you never know what’s gonna happen. I mean, how many times have, has someone said I’m not drinking anymore. And then you see ’em and they’ve got the right glass of wine in their hands. So I just think we were going about our business sort of giving you room and respecting what you were doing. And, um, you know, that evolved in time pass. So we had vacation and then COVID hit and then managing and coping with everything that was happening then, and you just kept cooking along and yeah. You know, we would go to dinners or whatever and, or know, know what we wouldn’t even. I mean, it was just there wasn’t gonna be any more alcohol and it was good. It was good. Yeah.
I just feel like anxiety levels dropped a little bit. I’m not, you know, mm-hmm, <affirmative>, I feel like you were more comfortable and had patience with the kids and with me mm-hmm <affirmative> and some of the things that I do that, you know, frustrate you, and that was a big plus. And so I’ve been, you know, as time goes on, I’m on, I’m on your bandwagon. Like, I love what you’re doing. And you, you are conscious about it and thoughtful, and you’re not judgemental of other people who still drink, including your husband. Yeah. So it’s like, that means a lot to me. If you had become like some, you know, soapbox, like you might be doing this, this is kind of a soapbox.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
I’m like, I’m like, Hey, welcome to my soapbox on a you’re on it. I know. No, but I, yeah, it’s not the judgemental thing.
Speaker 3 (20:14):
You just, I feel like what you’re saying is, and tell me if I’m wrong, but like, here’s what I’m doing. And you guys can do this too, if you want to. And it, and I think it’s good for you. It makes a lot of sense and it’ll change your life.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Totally. I, I think that my whole thing is just awareness because I didn’t know. I think there are a lot of moms out there who don’t know that they can just quit drinking and not have to, you know, wear this like alcoholic badge or they don’t have, have to wait until they’re losing things. And until there’s a huge rock bottom, like you just don’t have to wait. And so that’s, my whole goal is to be like, no guys, like you, you don’t have to wait. And then even quitting before it gets really bad, like your life gets better. Like dramatically gets better. Mm-hmm <affirmative> yeah. I, I guess I wanna know how it is for you, because like you mentioned, you are still drinking a little bit. I will say that your drinking has drastically decreased too. Um, mm-hmm <affirmative> even when, even when you do go out, it’s not, and, and you know, I’ve set a boundary, which I always tell other sober moms or, or sober women whose husbands are still drinking.
Like everyone has to come to what is comfortable for them. For me, you know, you and I have agreed two, two beers. Like when you’re out, two beers feels fine to me. I, I, and if you’re coming home, you know, if you’re, if you’re coming home like that night, which you normally do, I think any, any morph does feel scary to me. And that’s probably like a product of how I grew up. It feels a little bit like, I don’t know what to expect and I can’t connect in a whole different level, even if we’re out, like if we’re out at a party and you’re gonna drink, we agree on those two beers. That’s like, I’m fine with that. Yeah. So how, how do you feel about that? Like, how do you feel about my boundary? How do you feel about your drinking?
Speaker 3 (22:23):
Well, if I’m, to be honest, obviously I, I don’t love being told, were limits being put on anything. <laugh>
Speaker 2 (22:32):
You just hate being told what to do. I do
Speaker 3 (22:34):
What I want.
Speaker 2 (22:35):
<laugh> Uhhuh. <affirmative> you guys, this is a guy who didn’t get married until his forties. So you have to remember he’s a very late forties. Strong. Yeah. No, in mid forties. Okay. He was, he’s a very strong, no, I think you were 44.
Speaker 3 (22:50):
Speaker 2 (22:52):
Oh, for, okay. Yeah. He’s a strong willed guy. So if your husband, if, if you’re listening to this and you’re like, oh, my husband would never go for that. Let me tell you, <laugh> my husband. Would’ve never gone for that. And, and you have to remember too. I didn’t like I did not have this all figured out when I stopped drinking. No, I wasn’t like, oh, I have an idea. I’ll stop drinking. Then his drinking will decrease because he’ll see how great sobriety is for me. And then I’ll set a boundary for him and then he’ll follow it. <laugh> like that. That’s just not how it happens. No, I stopped with, and I did not even think about this might sound selfish, but I didn’t think about you when I stopped drinking. I just thought about me. I mean, I thought about our marriage as a byproduct of how it would affect it. Yeah. Um, but it, my goal in stopping, stopping drinking had to just be about me. Does that make sense?
Speaker 3 (23:48):
Yeah. Yeah, totally. And I, you know, if I think back on it, anytime I would come home, especially if you were sober. Well, I mean, you were always sober when I came home. Yeah. But I’m saying like, if I was out at an event or something and I came home and I had had a few cocktails, you already were always on guard. I, I think it was just something inside. Like you said, you’ve always felt uneasy. Never. Sure. Uh, not necessarily because of me, but just because of like how things were when you grew up. And I always felt that anxiety and it would always frustrate me. Right. Remember mm-hmm <affirmative> yeah. I’d be like, why are you stressed out? Like, everything is cool, man.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
<laugh> yeah. You’re like, I didn’t do anything wrong. Be cool.
Speaker 3 (24:29):
Yeah. Don’t be
Speaker 2 (24:30):
UN don’t be uncool. <laugh> you guys? Yes. My husband watches that house. I me,
Speaker 3 (24:36):
What was that? New York? Which one was that? Yeah,
Speaker 2 (24:38):
That was Lou Ann. Be cool. Don’t be all uncool, honey. You just got major points for dropping a Housewives line on here. <laugh>
Speaker 3 (24:48):
Yeah. So then we would, uh, I would come home and you’d be like stressed out and I’d be like, man, this sucks. Like, why are you stressed out? And I guess when we got to the point that you stopped drinking and I, I had cut back because of that. Right. I wanted to avoid that experience when I came home. So I would always yeah. Chill out, uh, with the drinking, anytime I went out on my own or at least near the end so that when I came home, I was, you know, not gonna put you in a situation where you were uncomfortable or we were gonna be uncomfortable. And then after you stopped drinking. Yeah. I knew it wasn’t gonna be any better that I would come home after drinking. <laugh> like, it wasn’t like you were gonna, right.
Speaker 2 (25:29):
Speaker 3 (25:30):
Yeah, that’s fine. No, I’m sober. And you can do whatever you want. Yeah. And, uh, I just lost the desire too. You know, it just doesn’t honestly, for me, I’m into fitness and taking care of myself and for the most part eating. Right. And I, you know, I, I listened to just, uh, this naked mind and yes.
Speaker 2 (25:49):
You know? Yeah.
Speaker 3 (25:50):
I get it. It’s not really good for us. It can make us what we think feel good for a little while, but after a while it’s sort of, yeah, it has some negative effects. And I feel like, um, cuz you gotta keep chasing it. Right. You gotta keep chasing it. And that’s, uh, not good and doesn’t feel good later, uh, the next day. And like with three children and a busy work life, there’s just not a lot of time for hangovers or the mistakes that I would make when you have too many drinks, like a simple, you know, running into the garage door with a bike on the roof or something like that. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Whoa. I forgot to <laugh>.
Speaker 2 (26:28):
Speaker 3 (26:29):
Actually that happened a long time ago, like 20 years ago. But I’m just giving you example of the kind of things that happened when you have cocktails.
Speaker 2 (26:36):
Yeah. And don’t drink and drive.
Speaker 3 (26:38):
Oh my gosh. Like honestly, all of those little stupid, stressful things that used to happen, like that never happened now.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
Okay. Also like between us, I mean just little fights. I like our fights have gone down.
Speaker 3 (26:55):
Oh, big time.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
So much in the last two years. I mean, there’s not that drinking, I think does lead to more fighting mm-hmm <affirmative> between couples because you miss these cues, like you’re, you’re, everything’s cloudy. So you’re missing any sort of cues. You’re misreading stuff. You’re really not connecting. And then yeah. It’s
Speaker 3 (27:17):
Just, yeah. And if you have any insecurities, like that’s the time that they’re gonna pop out and maybe take something more personally than you should, should have right. Or say something totally. I can think back. I mean, if, if I’m, to be honest and, and self deflective,
Speaker 2 (27:32):
It do be honest. <laugh>
Speaker 3 (27:34):
I know I said things to partners and, and friends, even that mm-hmm <affirmative> to this day I regret and it was all because I had too much to drink, uh, at that moment and said, you know, stuff I shouldn’t have said or totally, or got mad about something that I shouldn’t have got mad about, you know, or that I maybe was right in it, but shouldn’t have taken it to that level. So yeah, for me, it’s been, you know, a, a life changing event too. Cutting back. I just, yeah. The biggest thing I think that I get concerned about is like the perception on the outside, because I have a lot of really great friends that I don’t spend a lot of time with now just because we’re married, we have three children, you know, I’m busy with work. Yeah. I like to play golf, which sucks up a big amount of my time. That’s not with family and sure
Speaker 2 (28:22):
Does suck it up.
Speaker 3 (28:24):
<laugh> so there is a lot of time to get out and be social. And even when I do, I’m not like partying, like I used to. So I, I do miss those friendships and I, I hope that some of them, you know, don’t feel like I’m just sort of distancing myself on purpose or anything like that. That’s totally not the case, you know? Yeah. And I hope that the friends that do drink and when I’m with them, that they’re never, you know, feeling like I’m letting the party down or I’m not, you know, going hard. Yeah. Like I should be like, they might be, uh, at times and you know, those are the things that I get. I’m try to be conscious of now and make sure mm-hmm <affirmative> because I’m still having a good time. It’s not like I’m not having a good time. I’m just not gonna do the shots and stuff, you know?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah. This’ll be helpful for husbands, honey, I think to listen to, because I do think that that’s not that women don’t struggle with that. Cuz I think socially when we get sober, we have our own kind of issues. But I think for guys in like slowly getting sober or cutting back on drinking or kind of saying no to drink, it’s, it’s a different thing than it is for women. It’s kind of a pride thing, like a bro thing. And I don’t think guys are normally gonna be open to be like, Hey, just so you know, I still wanna have fun. I’m still fun. Even if I’m not drinking, like that’s what girls would. That’s what I would say. That’s what I do say. You know, I’m like you guys, I’m way more fun now than I’m sober. Yeah. But I don’t think a guy’s just gonna come out and say that where if you did, they’d probably be like, oh cool. And then they’d be like, dude, stop talking about your feelings. <laugh>
Speaker 3 (30:01):
I’m not big on that anyway. So
Speaker 2 (30:03):
I you’re, you are now I’m getting where you are because you have a wife who only talks about feelings.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Well, and I was blessed with two girls right out the gate, so
Speaker 2 (30:13):
Speaker 3 (30:13):
Right. Yeah. They soften me up a little bit.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
I was like, get used to feelings, man. There’s gonna be a lot of ’em mm-hmm <affirmative> I love it. Um, no, I, I think it’s interesting, honey. I love your perspective. I love the husband’s perspective. What would you like? What kind of tips would you give a husband or a wife whose spouse has
Speaker 3 (30:33):
Advice for husband who wives quit drinking? You mean like,
Speaker 2 (30:37):
Yeah, I guess so like if you have, and just kind of from a husband’s perspective advice for the wife too, you know, just
Speaker 3 (30:45):
As the spouse
Speaker 2 (30:46):
Then. Yeah. As the spouse spouse, you’re trying to say, because my advice for a woman who, cuz I get this question more than any, I’m worried about my marriage. What’s gonna happen to my marriage when I stop drinking because my, my husband still drinks and so much of our social things and how we connect is over drinking. And so I’m worried about what that’s gonna do to our marriage. I always say, at least in the beginning, you can’t even worry about that. I mean that really your focus has to be on you stopping drinking. If you wanna stop drinking. And I say like making this good choice for you just can’t be a bad choice. It can’t be a bad decision.
Speaker 3 (31:29):
Yeah. It’s never a bad decision. I think it’s and in many cases it’s necessary. Right? Yeah. I mean in ours it maybe wasn’t but when we look back, yeah, it it’s been a great thing for us. Yeah. It’s hard for me to give advice. Every situation is different, but I think just, you gotta talk about it. Mm-hmm <affirmative> you gotta be open and honest with each other and be supportive of the person who’s who’s thinking about doing it. I promise it won’t make things worse. <laugh>
Speaker 2 (31:57):
Right. It won’t,
Speaker 3 (31:59):
I can’t imagine it would make things worse, especially
Speaker 2 (32:03):
If someone’s drinking a lot.
Speaker 3 (32:04):
Speaker 2 (32:05):
Yeah. Like honey, am I still fun?
Speaker 3 (32:07):
Speaker 2 (32:08):
Am I even more fun
Speaker 3 (32:10):
Speaker 2 (32:11):
Speaker 3 (32:12):
Admit it. Yeah. I feel like you’re a little bit more free. You’re less care what people think. Yeah. Cared a lot. I think more about what people thought when you were, you know, having drinks and stuff or how things were turning out or what was happening. Like now it’s more like we just go with the flow and you know, you’ve got your mission. You’ve got the things that you’re doing that keep you that are important to you. Yeah. Family, your, your business, you know, just you me. Yeah. Thank you. <laugh> I’m glad I’m important,
Speaker 2 (32:42):
Speaker 3 (32:44):
You but there’s and friends. I mean, I know that you stay connected with people that are your tribe and that help you, you know, day to day manage all the craziness that that hits us. So I’m proud of you, babe.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
Yeah, for sure. And I have to say, I think sober sex is better. Oh my God. I think sober sex is way better. <laugh>
Speaker 3 (33:05):
You can remember it <laugh>
Speaker 2 (33:08):
I? Yeah, exactly. And you can feel everything. Oh totally. You know, the alcohol numbs like every single sense. And that includes touch. Like you can’t like what? And like yeah. It’s way better guys. Sober sex is where it’s at. No,
Speaker 3 (33:24):
We’re super connected that way. Thank you. Thank
Speaker 2 (33:27):
You. You’re welcome for earlier. <laugh>
Speaker 3 (33:30):
Speaker 2 (33:32):
Okay. Well, honey, I love you so much.
Speaker 3 (33:36):
Speaker 2 (33:37):
You. I love that you are my partner in this. I love that you’re doing this and getting uncomfortable with me because I know that this isn’t your thing. And you know, it’s funny because I’ve been, you know, my kind of Sweet’s been around since 2015 and this is like the first time that you’re kind of like really out there. So I, I love you and I appreciate you so much
Speaker 3 (34:02):
Happy to be here. Thanks babe.
Speaker 2 (34:04):
Okay. You’re welcome. Okay. I’m gonna make spaghetti now.
Speaker 3 (34:08):
Okay. See you
Speaker 2 (34:09):
Soon. Okay. Love you. Bye. Love
Speaker 3 (34:11):
You too. Bye.
Speaker 4 (34:15):
Speaker 2 (34:16):
You so much for listening to this episode of the sober mom life. If you loved it, please rate and review it wherever you listen. Five stars is amazing. Also follow me on Instagram at the sober mom life. Okay. I’ll see you next week. I’m gonna go reheat my coffee. Bye.