Trigger warning: In today’s episode we talk about Postpartum OCD. If you are struggling with postpartum, please speak to your doctor asap.
Today I am chatting with Rachel.
Rachel was always the party girl before she had kids. After becoming a mom, though, her relationship with alcohol grew darker. She leaned heavily on alcohol to cope with postpartum anxiety and intrusive thoughts… but it did the opposite of helping.
About 5 months ago, Rachel hit her rock bottom. After a long night of drinking she got sick in front of her daughters. The fear and worry in their eyes served as a major wake up call: She never wanted her girls to remember her like this. She had to be done.
Since getting sober, Rachel has been able to find healthier ways to deal with the issues in her life. And just as importantly – she feels good about the example she is setting for her girls.
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Transcript:
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, welcome to the Sober Mom Life podcast. I’m your host Suzanne of my kind of suite and the sober mom life on Instagram. If you are a mama who has questioned your relationship with alcohol at times, if you’re wondering if maybe it’s making motherhood harder, this is for you. I will be having candid, honest, funny conversations with other moms who have also thought, Hmm, maybe motherhood is better without alcohol. Is it possible? We’ll chat and we’ll talk about all things sobriety and how we’ve found freedom in sobriety. I don’t consider myself an alcoholic. You don’t have to either, and maybe life is brighter without alcohol. I hope you will join us on this journey, and I’m so excited to get started.
(01:01)
Hello, it’s me, <laugh>, Suzanne. Hi. We have another real sober mom Today. I spoke with Rachel. I wanna put a trigger warning in this episode, which I feel like maybe all of my episodes should have that, because we talk about real stuff all the time. We talk about postpartum O C D in this episode, Rachel and I both struggled with that. If you are going through postpartum O C D or anxiety, I would say be sure to talk to your doctor. Please get help. Do not wait. You’re not alone. You’re not the only one going through this. Even though it might feel like you are. Also, the thoughts in your head are not real. They are not who you are. You are not connected to them. Your brain really is just going through some shit, and there are things that can help it. I have shared about my postpartum anxiety journey, but in this episode, I get more personal than I ever have, and I’ve shared things that I’ve never shared, which is scary, and don’t think that I didn’t wanna go back and edit that out.
(02:07)
Um, but I’m not going to because I know that I needed to hear this when I was going through it. I needed to know that. No, I wasn’t going crazy. No, I wasn’t gonna be locked up if I told a doctor what I was thinking and these intrusive thoughts that were trying to scare me. And also, I wasn’t my thoughts and neither are you. And thoughts are just that. They’re just thoughts. And your brain just needs a little help right now because it’s been through a lot. And so I urge you, if you’re going through something like that, please do not wait. I waited far too long. I waited a year and a half. And once I finally got on, I started taking Zoloft. Once I got on that, you guys, they stopped. The thought stopped almost, I mean, almost overnight. It felt like a miracle.
(02:55)
So, all that to say, Rachel and I get into some pretty deep conversations, but I think you’ll find them helpful. She is just a light. You know, she describes in her sobriety that she’s loving life. And you can tell, like I could tell, I, I was smiling the whole time I was talking to her. She’s just such a bubbly, loving, and lovely person, and I’m so glad I get to meet her. I hope you enjoy this episode. Like I said, if you’re not ready to listen to postpartum talk or if it triggers you, please take care of yourself and maybe save it. Save it for another time. When you’re feeling a little bit better, go join our Facebook group, sober Mom Life on Facebook. Follow me on Instagram, sober mom life, TikTok, sober mom life pod. And if you’re loving the uh, podcast, go and uh, write and review it and give it all the stars and share it with some friends. Okay? I hope you enjoy this episode with Rachel. Okay, we are here. We’re here with Rachel. Hi Rachel.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
Hi Suzanne. I’m so happy to be here.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
I’m so glad you’re here. And I could see your classroom behind you. It’s giving me all the good feelings.
Speaker 2 (04:13):
<laugh>. Yes, I love it. I love it here. Super cute.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
So what do you teach?
Speaker 2 (04:18):
I teach special ed and English, um, high school level.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Oh, okay. Wow. Oh my gosh. You’re like a superhero. <laugh>. Okay. So why don’t you tell us a little bit about yourself and then we’ll start with your drinking story and get to sobriety and where you’re at with that.
Speaker 2 (04:32):
Okay, cool. Well, I’m Rachel and I’m 31. I have two daughters, Sadie and Cece. They are three and five. Oh,
Speaker 1 (04:41):
<laugh>. Yeah. That was so cute.
Speaker 2 (04:42):
Yeah, and I’m a, I’m a teacher, high school teacher. I’m in my eighth year of
Speaker 1 (04:46):
Teaching. Okay, well good. And you love it.
Speaker 2 (04:48):
I absolutely love it. It was, I knew I wanted be a teacher since I was in third grade, so.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Aw, I love that. That’s so funny. Cuz my five-year-old just asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, like what did I want? And I was like, I wanted to be a teacher. And she’s like, well, why don’t you do that? And I was like, oh, right, <laugh>. I’m like, well, I don’t know life. She’s like looked at me like, well, what happened <laugh>?
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Um, I think you are sort of like a teacher right now.
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Oh, that’s nice. Yeah. Even though I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, but I’ll take it. <laugh>. Okay. So why don’t you tell me just about your drinking story and your relationship with alcohol.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
Well, I’ve never had a healthy relationship with alcohol and I can say that now that I’ve been sober for about five months and looking back on all the moments.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
Yeah,
Speaker 2 (05:35):
I grew up in a small town and it was like all we had to do was drink. Like I remember being in middle school and getting drunk for the first time.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Really? Okay. Where are you from?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
I’m from Sheboygan, Michigan.
Speaker 1 (05:48):
Oh, I thought you were gonna say Sheboygan, Wisconsin. Okay. But it’s probably similar, right?
Speaker 2 (05:52):
Yes. Very small.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
Yeah. Yeah. Midwest man, midwesterns, we know how to drink
Speaker 2 (05:57):
<laugh>. Yeah. So it was just like, I remember in middle school trying it for the first time and overdoing it of course, and puking on my friend’s floor and I’m like, oh, that was horrible. But then it never really stopped me. Yeah. I would always want to go to my friend’s house, the friends that had parents that left alcohol out somewhere for us to find and enjoy. And then I got to high school and it just continued and it was like a way to fit in because that’s what everyone did. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. But I was blacking out and always puking and it was never like, oh, I could have one. Yeah. And then college came around and same situation. I did it to sort of fit in and now I can look back and be like, I was also drinking to escape reality. Hmm. Just because I have some childhood issues that trauma that, you know, I think impacted me that I can see now. Right.
Speaker 1 (06:51):
Yeah. That you don’t know at the time. Like you don’t, like in college we’re not thinking about that. Like we don’t. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:57):
And it was a way also in college for me to meet guys. Totally. And just unhealthy relationship with alcohol through college. And then even until, like when I started my first year of teaching, I remember having some really bad school days. And my coworkers would some times encourage me like, on the way home, just stop and grab a bottle of wine and I’d be like,
Speaker 1 (07:20):
<laugh>. You’re like, okay, don’t tell me twice. <laugh>. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:23):
I remember actually having a particularly bad day at school and I went home and I, on the way home I bought a big bottle of wine, not the small little bottle, it was like the big one. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And I went to school the next day and I cried in a meeting and I’m like, you guys, I like drank a bottle of wine last night. And they were like, oh, okay. Like, like it was not a big deal. I was like, no, they’re
Speaker 1 (07:43):
Like, me too.
Speaker 2 (07:44):
<laugh>. Yeah. And they’re like, yeah, no. And then I was like, no, but like the big bottle of wine. And I put my hands out to show how big it was and they just laughed and it was like a joke and milking back on it. Now I’m like, I really probably needed help. <laugh>,
Speaker 1 (07:59):
You were probably kinda asking for help, right? It was kind of like a, okay, this is not feeling comfortable with me. I’m gonna like, that was a pretty brave thing for you to do is tell your coworkers. Right. And they were like, oh, it’s fine.
Speaker 2 (08:13):
Yeah. Oh that, you know, and it was a cute thing that my coworkers told, like the admin and the admin laughed and it was like a joke. Yeah. It was like a big bottle of wine. Like it was a joke for the rest of the year. And I’m like,
Speaker 1 (08:26):
Really?
Speaker 2 (08:27):
Yes. It was a joke. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (08:29):
Oh my God, how’d that make you feel
Speaker 2 (08:32):
In that moment? I was like, yeah, it’s funny. Now looking back on it, I’m like, oh gosh. I was like really dealing with teaching and I didn’t have kids then yet. So I was still like, right. Especially being in special education, it’s a hard job sometimes. Yeah. And you’re dealing with a lot of different elements and I think education is filled with people that drink and that’s okay I guess. But for me, I was using it as like a coping mechanism a
Speaker 1 (08:58):
Lot. Yeah. I mean I think that’s what, yeah, you’re not alone in that for sure. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (09:02):
<affirmative>. Yeah. So then fast forward, I have my daughter, it was unexpected when I had my daughter and I was still in my party phase party girl phase. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And so I didn’t drink when I was pregnant. But you know, when she was born I was so ready to drink my wine and I remember a few times drinking a lot when she was a baby and waking up in the morning and just being like thankful that she was okay. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, because I was like, I think I blacked out last night.
Speaker 1 (09:29):
Mm-hmm. <affirmative>.
Speaker 2 (09:30):
Oh. And just thinking about that. But I did, it didn’t stop me. Um, I dealt with like postpartum anxiety,
Speaker 1 (09:36):
Depress Oh my god. Concussion.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
Ugh.
Speaker 1 (09:39):
Yeah. <laugh> that I mean, oh, I, I’m right there with you with that. And to anyone listening, if you’re battling that, like tell your doctor get help sooner rather than later because that is a beast.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
It really is. And I had horrible intrusive thoughts. Me
Speaker 1 (09:54):
Too. That oh
Speaker 2 (09:56):
<laugh>
Speaker 1 (09:56):
That you know, that’s postpartum O C D.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (09:59):
That’s no joke cuz that will make you think that you’re crazy.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
Oh my gosh. I thought, oh my God, am I going to like hurt my daughter? Yeah. I don’t want to, but I might. I think I might. Or you know, you just have all these crazy thoughts that are Yes.
Speaker 1 (10:14):
Your brain is, and I’ve never shared this before, but mine was always like, what’s the worst case scenario? What’s the worst? You know, like my brain would always go to the worst case scenario. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> until, and I, it was always that something would happen to her and then one day she was five months old and my brain goes, that’s not the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario is you do it. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And I’m like, oh that is the worst case scenario. And then my brain like fixated on that and I was terrified.
Speaker 2 (10:43):
Yeah. It’s horrifying. You’re like, am I that person that my brain’s telling me Yeah. That I could be and
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Get help if anyone’s dealing with that. Like I tried to, I like battled through it for like a year and a half. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> without meds, without anything. And it was the hardest thing I’ve done in my life. For real. If anyone’s in that place right now, get help. Get on meds. If that’s what your doctor says, I had two babies and breastfed two babies on meds. It’s fine. We need you to be okay. Like your babies need you to be okay. That’s it. Okay. Yes. Okay. That’s my little p s a Sorry, I had to <laugh>.
Speaker 2 (11:22):
No, I agree cuz it took me until, you know, me and my husband went to the ER because I was like, I can’t deal with these thoughts anymore. And so yeah, once I got there and realized that it’s really normal and that I needed additional help, yeah. Everything was okay. But I was, at the time, the only time I could really relax is if I drank. Yeah. And I felt, oh this is fine. Like I’ll just drink to like deal with my, I didn’t say that in my mind, I just went to the alcohol, but now I can look back and think Oh yep. I was coping with that Yes. As well. And then I had my second daughter and continued to drink and party and be the party animal girl. And I’ve always felt like people love that girl. Yeah. People love Rachel. That’s a party. She’s funny, she doesn’t care. She vapes smokes cigarettes. She’s like, yeah,
Speaker 1 (12:07):
Like, you know, she’s down, she’s down for it. Yes. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
Yeah. And that just was a part of who I was and I, but I had always, like for the past two years now, my daughter was three. I’ve had this on my mind and my conscience like, I need to stop drinking or I need to like look at my drinking or like, it’s kind of a problem because I’m 31 and I’m still blacking out and I’m puking in the morning and I’m having these awful ugh hangovers where I’m useless for the whole day. And it’s like, I don’t think this is a healthy relationship with alcohol. And so it took me about two years and then in June, June 5th was like my day of like I hit rock bottom. I was puking in front of both of my girls in the bathroom in the morning and I was, I could hardly stand up. I was like shaky. And I was just like, you know what? Enough is enough. I saw the pain and the fear in their eyes. Like I would do anything to take away mm-hmm. <affirmative> my mom’s pain right now. And they didn’t know, like I did this to myself. I had drank, they were fighting the night before they were fighting. It was the witching hour. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:08):
<laugh>. Yes. That damn witching hour.
Speaker 2 (13:10):
And I was like, you know what, I have wine right there. And it was like I told myself the whole day at school on Friday. I am not drinking tonight. I’m not drinking tonight. My daughter has a soccer game in the morning on Saturday that I have to coach.
Speaker 1 (13:23):
Oh my God. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:24):
I can’t drink tonight. Nope. I did it to finish a bottle of wine in like an hour and a half and then continued to drink my husband’s Budweiser until I passed out. And then I woke up in the morning and sadly it wasn’t the first time I puked in front of my girls for being hungover mm-hmm. <affirmative>. And I was like, this is just, I hate myself at this point. Like this is disgusting. This isn’t who I wanna be anymore. I don’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol. I went to my husband and I just cried in arms before I had to go to the soccer game cuz I’m the coach. Yeah. Super hungover. Yeah. And I was just like, Matt, I can’t do this anymore. I am at my rock bottom. I need help. I have a drinking problem and I’m, I’m done. Yeah. Yeah.
(14:10)
I love that you, you know, tell people a lot. Like you don’t have to have a rock bottom and I love that. Yeah. For me, I think I had to hit that moment and even like talking about it right now, I still feel a lot of shame about it and I can look back, I can visualize their faces watching me puke. Hmm. And it really keeps me like, no, I’m not, I’m not ever drinking again. That’s how I feel right now. And so I’ve been five months, almost five months sober. That’s November’s. That’s amazing. Yeah. So here I am, I, and I’m post about it on my Instagram stories. I try to like inspire other people because I ha do have a lot of people in my life that I think might need to reevaluate their relationship with alcohol. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> <affirmative>. But I’m at this point like I’m super angry about alcohol, so I’m trying not to be judgey <laugh>. It’s so hard.
Speaker 1 (14:57):
I know. Yeah. It is hard. I always think of it like we’re angry at alcohol. Right. And the people who market alcohol mm-hmm. <affirmative>. So it’s like I, that’s how I kind of think about it. Like I’m not like taking it out on the moms who have been tricked because they’ve been tricked mm-hmm. <affirmative> just like we were. Right. Right. We thought that that was gonna help. We thought that was gonna like help our anxiety and help that postpartum period. And like it just doesn’t, but you kind of don’t know that until now you’re five months out of it and like you can see That’s what I thought too when you said like, you know, you look back now and you realize that you kind of always had an unhealthy relationship with alcohol. How has that been? Because I know those stories kind of start coming up.
(15:46)
Like everything that I was kind of quieting down or just didn’t wanna look at in my past what alcohol was present for and what like the times I blacked out and times that I made decisions I wouldn’t have made. Like guys that I slept with, that I would not have slept with. You know, like just all these things that I, that wasn’t me, that was the alcohol. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. But I, I had never opened that door <laugh> to really look at how alcohol had affected me until I stopped and I was like, okay, let me figure this out. And once I opened that door I was like, holy shit. Yeah. <laugh> right.
Speaker 2 (16:19):
Yeah. Absolutely. I think back to a lot of things that in my life and I’m like, yep. I was just dealing with my problems at that moment with alcohol <laugh>. It’s funny now cause I look back and I’m like, I don’t think I ever even liked the taste. I think
Speaker 1 (16:34):
Totally <laugh>. Yeah. It doesn’t taste good.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
No. I would rather have a Diet Coke or LaCroix now, you know? Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
Like do you remember like your first sip of alcohol? Like it tastes like shit. It literally tastes like, yeah Celine are like rubbing alcohol and you’re like, oh my god, this is horrible.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
Yeah. And that’s why I think it’s funny like wine is like, you know, supposedly like this fancy drink. It’s like, no it’s still, it’s still that like rubbing alcohol. It’s just got a lot of grapes in it. Like they had to do a lot. They had a lot of put a lot of shit in there to make it palatable.
Speaker 2 (17:06):
And it’s funny now people will be like, Rachel, you love diet Coke? And I’m like, yeah, I love it. And they’re like, do you know how bad it is for you <laugh>? And I’m like, no, but these are the same people that never said anything about me ever drinking a bottle of wine. Yes. Yes. Over like 10 white claws in a row. But they’ll, they’ll say something about my diet coke. I’m like, I think I’m okay
Speaker 1 (17:27):
<laugh>. So just say you’ve never blacked out from too much diet coke. <laugh>. Like that’s fine. I got someone on Instagram and sent me a, like I shared candles like fall candles and somebody’s like mm-hmm <affirmative>, hold on, do you know how bad those candles are for your environment? <laugh>? And I’m like, you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. <laugh>. I’m like, okay <laugh> like let me have my candles <laugh>. I
Speaker 2 (17:49):
Know. Yeah, exactly. It’s like I’ve gotten rid of one thing. Come on. Like
Speaker 1 (17:53):
Yeah. Like I got rid of the big one. Okay. Let me just have, yeah. So how are you feeling today? Five, almost five months sober. What is it like on this side for you so far?
Speaker 2 (18:04):
It’s amazing. I am at that euphoria stage where I’m like, life is so good. Like I, I love life. I am so present with my daughters. I feel like I have been born again really? Um, I think back, my birthday was June 11th and I decided to be sober June 5th. That was my day. And I just remember before my birthday thinking, cause I share my birthday with a ne my niece and they were having a party and I knew there wasn’t gonna be drinking at this party. And I was like, oh gosh, I have to go do this, you know, on my birthday. You know, like yeah. I was really like so self-righteous like it’s my birthday too and I should be able to drink and all just dumb things. And it’s like, I’m so grateful cause it feels like June 5th is like my new birthday because I’m just like, my life is so much better without alcohol.
(18:57)
And I wish some people would be like, are you really never gonna drink again? Or like, really? Are you sure your life is that much better? And I was just wanna be like, I wish you unders like I wish you could feel how good it is to deal with Yeah. Your life and your trauma and everything in the healthy way. Yeah. Rather than looking to a substance because that’s what we’re doing when we take, we have a bad day and we go and drink. Like you’re looking to a substance to fill a void and a hole in you and there are so many other better ways
Speaker 1 (19:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
To deal with your issues in life. And I just feel so good.
Speaker 1 (19:30):
Yeah. And so what are, what are some ways that you’re turning to now? Like what’s in your sobriety toolbox? If you’ve had a bad day at work, you’re going crazy. The witching hour, all that stuff. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> now that alcohol’s off the table.
Speaker 2 (19:43):
Honestly, first of all, I really dived into my faith. Yeah. If I’m ever feeling, uh, really low in a situation or in a day I pray. I think that’s, you know, going to God first.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (19:56):
And then, you know, with those issues, and I know some people meditate or whatever and I love our Facebook group. Some people have really opened up about their faith. It’s been fun to see that on the Facebook group.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
And I go to the sober life, our mom life Facebook group sometimes and just read other people’s stories as encouragement. Yeah. Save a lot of Instagram posts to look, look back on. Totally. Yeah. And then sometimes if I’m having a bad day, just tell my husband like, listen, I’m having a bad day. I just need to go lay in bed and have alone time. And I think moms really need to start speaking up for themselves to their husbands or like, this is what exactly what I need right now to just lay down and just decompress. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
That is such a gift of sobriety is that you know what you need. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Because I think when alcohol or wine is in the, the picture, we don’t know what we need because then we’re just, we’re like grabbing for that glass of wine. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> and then that shuts down everything. I mean then we’re not in tune with anything that we need. And so this idea that, you know, like I know I need to be alone and I need to go lay down and I can communicate that. Like I think that’s such a huge gifted sobriety.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Yes, I do too. And I think the issue also with a alcohol in our society is that we’ve become a generation of people with really low self-esteem and confidence. And so we don’t feel like we can be who exactly who we are mm-hmm. <affirmative>, um, without a substance. And I just think that people, especially moms need to know like, you are enough on your own. Yes. You are enough.
Speaker 1 (21:32):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (21:33):
And I tell that to some of my friends, like, you don’t need anything else. You are enough and you will always be enough. And we are funny enough we that
Speaker 1 (21:41):
Totally
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Everything, you don’t need it. And I think that’s the thing and I wanna show that to my daughters. Like, you don’t need a substance to be enough. Yeah. You know, so that’s been a, a really great revelation with this process. It’s like I’m enough in just who I am and we all are. I think that’s been powerful.
Speaker 1 (22:02):
Yes. Yeah. I love that message, especially for daughters. I’m a little bit older than you. I’m Gen X and there was this idea of being taught to be small and quiet and nice and all. And I’m just not those things. I mean I’m nice. No I’m not nice. I’m kind, I always say, I’m like, no, no, no. <laugh> fuck. Nice. I’m not nice. I’m kind <laugh>. Um. Yeah. And this idea that you don’t need, you’re not too much, you’re not too little, like you’re just right. Mm-hmm <affirmative>, you’re just right and you don’t Yeah. I love that. I love the idea that you’re enough and you don’t need also wine does not make you
Speaker 2 (22:38):
Funnier. Oh no. You
Speaker 1 (22:39):
Think it does. You think wine makes you like funny and clever and it doesn’t, you guys, those jokes aren’t funny. <laugh> not, not
Speaker 2 (22:49):
Funny. That’s true. Yeah. <laugh>. Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:51):
Oh my god, I love that. Okay. So how are you feeling looking into the holidays? You know, I know some people the first holiday can be a little bit tough and I always say to count the firsts if counting the days is just not feeling good with you or is not sitting well with you, like count the first. So what, are you excited for your first Thanksgiving? Your first holiday?
Speaker 2 (23:13):
Yes. Well I got through 4th of July so I think that I can do
Speaker 1 (23:17):
That. Oh my god. Yes.
Speaker 2 (23:19):
<laugh> I can do
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Anything. And that was like brand newly sober too.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
Yeah. And it was, it was a rough one. It
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Was, it
Speaker 2 (23:25):
Was. It was. I was the only adult at our family gathering, um, that was not drinking.
Speaker 1 (23:32):
Yeah. What did you learn from that? Like how was it,
Speaker 2 (23:35):
People have told me like it will get easier and it does. But there was some things that, you know, I really felt hurt a little bit by some people’s reactions to my sobriety. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>, but then my husband remind me it’s on, that’s on them. That’s not on you. Totally. Their response is on is them not you. And so that’s, he’s been such a great support in that and he tried to tell people before I had to like, Rachel’s not drinking this weekend so please don’t bring it up to her. But you know, there was still those instances. Mm-hmm. <affirmative> and Matt, my husband was just really supportive. But it was really hard. I never felt sad though. I felt really proud of myself when I made it through that weekend cuz I, it was my first holiday.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
But thinking about like Halloween coming up and how I used to put a entire bottle of wine in a Tumblr to go trick-or-treating
Speaker 1 (24:26):
Mm-hmm <affirmative>
Speaker 2 (24:27):
<laugh> and just laughing.
Speaker 1 (24:29):
I think that that’s what they do. Right. Like even around here, like that’s what happens
Speaker 2 (24:33):
Ye so just thinking like, oh wow, I’m gonna actually not be drunk during Halloween taking my kids trick or treating. And that will be fun to see how it all you know goes. Yeah. I’m not really, I guess I’m not really worried about the holidays because I feel like I’ve been through the hardest one. So.
Speaker 1 (24:49):
Yeah. That’s great.
Speaker 2 (24:50):
Yeah. Well Christmas last year I was drinking a lot. I think I’m really excited for Christmas because yeah, I was drinking a lot during that time and I just didn’t feel good last year on Christmas. So I’m excited to feel good this year.
Speaker 1 (25:04):
Yeah. Like this morning is the best morning, you know, I mean morning sober mornings are just the best anyway. But Christmas morning is, you’re gonna love it. You’re gonna love it. Yeah. And is your husband, does he drink?
Speaker 2 (25:18):
He does drink still and there’s been some moments of contention for sure. But I’m okay with keeping wine around and alcohol in our house and stuff cuz it makes me feel really powerful. Yeah. Like it, I don’t know, it’s just like a sign to myself like, I’m stronger than this. I don’t need that. Well yeah, we’ve had some tough conversations because you know what? You have to mourn and grieve who you used to be in sobriety. Mm-hmm <affirmative>. And we’ve had some tough conversations. Cause I said, you know, when we met we were in our party phase, we fell in love when we were, you know, in a hopeless place like drinking and crazy, you know. Yeah. I think our daughter was accidentally conceived, you know, when uh, we were drinking. Right. Like <laugh> Yeah. Everything.
Speaker 1 (26:01):
Right.
Speaker 2 (26:03):
Probably like a month ago I just cried to him because I was like, I’m not that person you fell in love with anymore. That’s not me anymore. And I’m sorry for that because now you’re with a sober person and he’s like, you’re still the same though. You’re still so fun. You’re sometimes I think I am a lot more fun with you now. And he’s just really, uh, reassuring cuz he knows the reasons why behind my drinking and why I was drinking and I was hiding it a lot from him. And I was like so funny. I was like, did you know all the times like I was drinking. He’s like, Rachel, of course I knew what you were doing. You know,
Speaker 1 (26:38):
You were like getting away with it. You’re like, he’ll never know. He’ll
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Never know that I’m downing like five whitelaw in. Right. You know? Right. Wherever I was trying to hide it and, and taking the trash out before he got home. I was one of those, you know. Yeah. Yeah. No, he’s been really supportive, but there are hard, hard conversations because you are grieving your old self and he’s has to grieve me as my drunk, fun, crazy girl. But I think he’s happy he doesn’t have to clean up puke or
Speaker 1 (27:06):
I know, I’m sure <laugh>. Yeah. I, it it’s like there’s that early fun part of the night, but then the husbands are always dealing with the not so fun part of the night and the next morning. So I’m sure that mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Yeah. The fact that that’s gone is good.
Speaker 2 (27:20):
Yep. So we’re, we’re doing really well though. And I think I try to like say stuff to him about drinking and you know, it’s just, just just, you know, people don’t look down on smoking. I try to get in these conversations with him, but he is like, Rachel just, you know, calm down. Like just cause I wanna talk to someone about it. I don’t have a ton of people to talk to about my sobriety. Yes.
Speaker 1 (27:41):
But you’re sharing it, you’re sharing it on Instagram. Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
I share little stories on my Instagram here and there. Yeah. People really love seeing my journey and it’s funny, people will be like, I didn’t know you had a drinking problem. And I’m like, oh my gosh. Like
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I know, I know. Just when they say that, say alcohol’s the problem, what do you mean? Yes. Like, you know, like that’s, that is like a, they want it defined like, okay, well let me hear your rock bottom so I can, you know,
Speaker 2 (28:08):
No that, yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:09):
It’s like, well alcohol is the problem.
Speaker 2 (28:12):
<laugh>. Yeah. I think I’ve had a lot of friends say, you’ve, you’ve really made me have to reevaluate my relationship with alcohol and that’s, I don’t expect anyone to stop drinking because I’m stopping. Right. But I just hope to be a role model mostly to my daughters. Yes. And then everyone else is secondary and if I’m a role model, then cool. But yeah, that’s the goal.
Speaker 1 (28:32):
And you will be just not even trying to be, you know what I mean? They will learn healthy coping mechanisms. Like they will learn to say, I need some time. I need to be alone. I need to go lay down. I need to go cry. Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. Like those are all healthy coping mechanisms that when we’re drinking and then we’re drinking when we’re stressed and for all the things they don’t get to see. You actually deal with feelings the way we should.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Right. Yeah. And so powerful. Like actually, you know, I love Glen and Doyle saying, and untamed feelings are for feeling like, yeah, you’re supposed to feel those things like Right. And deal with them in appropriate ways. And when you don’t, the problem is just exacerbated. So how about we just fix the problems
Speaker 1 (29:15):
And just feel, yeah. Feel the hard stuff. Like the fact that you had like your first sober 4th of July was hard, you know? Mm-hmm. <affirmative>. But that’s all. It was just hard. That’s all it was. It wasn’t a shit show. You didn’t drink, you didn’t wake up, you know, hungover. It was just hard and that was okay and you did it and you learned and you were sober and that was great, you know?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Yeah. It was awesome. I still, I had more fun than I think I’ve ever had on four, you know, know that weekend. Yeah. I was present with my girls. I didn’t feel like crap. I went on two 20 mile bike rides that I
Speaker 1 (29:48):
Never That’s amazing. You
Speaker 2 (29:49):
Know, never would have done before. Yeah. It’s great.
Speaker 1 (29:53):
Well, you could tell that you’re just happy and glowing and you look, you, you look like you’re loving life, like you said.
Speaker 2 (30:00):
Yeah. That it’s, it’s just been so amazing that, you know, we look at rock bottom like with such a shame thing, but I’m like so thankful for my rock bottom. Yeah. Yeah. I do feel a little shame for of course puking in front of my daughters, but you know, they’re saving my life ultimately.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
And that was not you, that was the alcohol. Mm-hmm.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
<affirmative>. Right.
Speaker 1 (30:19):
That would not have happened if not for the alcohol.
Speaker 2 (30:22):
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (30:23):
I’m so proud of you. I’m so glad I got to talk to you and now I know your face. Now I can put a face to the name. I’m so happy. I know. I
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Think I dmd you early in my journey and said something and you responded and um, I’m just thankful for the community that you’re building and your reels and making it like, I feel when I see you, I’m like, yeah, being sober is like super cool <laugh> and uh, you should be jealous of us because we are a, a cool group, you know? You
Speaker 1 (30:50):
Totally. I love that. Yeah. And you can come sit with us cuz it’s cool over here. Yes. Yeah. Oh, well I’m so glad. Well, I’m so glad you’re a part of the community and I’ll see you in the group.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
Yes. I love our group. Yes.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
Yay. I do too. Okay, well thank you so much. I love your story.
Speaker 2 (31:06):
Yeah, well thank you. Thanks
Speaker 1 (31:08):
<laugh>. Bye Bye. Thank you so much for listening to this episode of The Sober Mom Life. If you loved it, please rate and review it wherever you listen. Five stars is amazing. Also, follow me on Instagram at the silver Mom life. Okay. I’ll see you next week. I’m gonna go reheat my coffee. Bye.
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