Hi, sweet friends.
I’ve wanted to check in with you, but every time I sit down to write…well, I don’t.
I could blame it on the baby or the toddler or the 5 year old. The husband, the dog, the dishes or the laundry. The zoom calls, the “homeschooling.”
But, that’s not it.
I haven’t written because my feelings change from one moment to the next. By the time I excavate them from my heart and onto the page, I’ll be onto the next fleeting feeling, my keyboard unable to keep up.
And so, I haven’t started – until now.
My emotions are messy. What begins as hopeful before sunrise, dissolves into fear by lunchtime. Shock and confusion fill my afternoons, and loneliness descends on me each evening.
What’s shocked me the most, though, is the loneliness that this lockdown and new social distancing reality has provoked.
Stay at home moms are no strangers to isolation. On any given weekday, the homes in our neighborhood are their own islands, closed off from the outside. But inside, we are all moms cutting crusts off sandwiches, battling nap times, shushing rowdy, overtired toddlers and praying for a moment to herself to think, to breathe.
The moments of connection between moms of little ones are quick and unremarkable.
It’s a knowing smile and a “hello” on our way into preschool. It’s holding a door for the mama who’s 2 year old has collapsed on the ground and won’t get up. It’s unfinished sentences at the park and interrupted stories at the birthday party.
I’m missing those moments.
What once felt commonplace, suddenly feels more like a lifeline.
From the outside, everyday life doesn’t look that much different now. There are still crusts to cut, nap times to battle and toddlers to shush. Our lives revolve around our homes and our people inside them, as they always have.
But, life sure does feel different.
There is a void where the monotonous pickups, drop offs, playdates, and birthday parties used to be. There is 6 feet of space where there used to be a quick embrace and there are days and days stretched out before me.
I’m not exactly sure how life will change when this is all said and done.
What I do know, though, is that I will let those unremarkable moments fill me up. I won’t take them for granted, knowing now they are the difference between being alone and being isolated.
I’m extra thankful for this space and online mama community. So, THANK YOU to all of you…